"Special Two Night Event".
The 'it's not you, it's me' of TV. When network execs decide that it's better to burn episodes off as fast as possible to get everyone the heck out of a ratings dumpster fire.
Mad Men hasn't been on since 2010 (estimate) and Breaking Bad was split into 14 final seasons (again, estimate) – why? – because you don't push all in when you've got the hammer.
We all started off on good terms with Juan Pablo. The anti-gay statements were a bit garish. The never-ending tongue baths pushed America closer to the edge.
The face grabbing… oh, the face grabbing. This man knows how to touch the face.
It' all adds up to "Special Two Night Events" where content is plucked from the crock pot and pan seared so everyone just eat, dammit.
I've missed the the past few episodes of the show, although I wouldn't say I quite MISSED THEM. HIYO!
But it wasn't out of protest or apathy, rather a lack of an internet connection. The CD HQ might have moved to the Big City, but we're settled in now and ready to finish off the season strong.
Thanks for your never-ending patience. You are the best. The very best.
Let's catch up together. Let's date…
7:07 – "If you're happy, I'm happy". The universal parenting code for No… NO… NOO… PLEASE NOOOOOOO!
7:12 – Death. Taxes. Clare taking the key to the Fantasy Suite. Please add in the last part to your old sawhorse cache. Juan P, what say you about the whole situation? "We are going to get to know each other better, a lot better." Yes you are, sir. Yes you are.
7:17 – Yes #1. Followed by an L-Bomb.
7:28 – Tonight IS your overnight date with Andi? Looks like Juan P is a little full of himself after spending the night with Clare, eh?
7:30 – These two will NOT take no for an answer. You don't want juice? DRINK THE JUICE. You don't want to play soccer? PLAY THE SOCCER. Those kids were all dafuq is going on with these people and the cameras.
7:42 – The entire season, in one Vine:
7:45 – Yes #2. Who makes the bed so well in the morning, by the way? You think they have a tactical team that comes in and disposes of old bedding to prepare for the next night?
7:53 – UM? Come again, Andi? A "disaster"? Tell us more…
7:54 – New nickname? The Mortuary… she is BURYING Juan Pablo. Not to be a #PrisonerOfTheMoment, but have we had a contestant swing from red hot going into the Fantasy Suite to coming out straight swinging HAYMAKERS like this?
Historic moment, friends.
8:05 – Raise your hand if you're fast forwarding to the next Andi/JP meeting…
8:07 – Yes #3. Let's hope Mr. Juan Pablo name checks some better celebrities tonight. Kudos to Nikki for not hedging on the L-Bomb. Straight and to the point.
8:28 – The big meeting.
8:30 – JP: "Am I going to die right now? No." He's ALIVE! He's ALIVE! (Side: It's not OK.) (Side, Side: This is the difference between real life and TV. This should have been a clean break, done and done, but we're still here.)
8:40 – We're still here.
8:44 – Still here. You can practically feel the producer making the stretch sign behind the camera.
8:45 – A wrap. The only thing left to do is see Clare's reaction to Andi leaving. It'll be a cross between hitting all the green lights on your way to work and being hit on by a Victoria's Secret model.
NEXT WEEK: The women tell all. This could get good. Real good.