Albert Einstein once said "strive not to be a success, but rather to be of value".
Months ago, Juan Pablo stood in front of The Bachelor mansion as beautiful women poured themselves out of limo after limo. His libido rose like Shostakovich's Symphony 5 that night and all season long.
Carnal containment isn't something Juan Pablo is capable of at this point in his life.
And while Clare and Nikki, tonight's finalists, were more than willing to indulge Mr. Galavis' advances, the rest of the cast bachelorettes were less than busted up when a rose was not offered.
It wasn't until Andi crystallized everyone's fears with a blistering referendum on Juan Pablo's conversational skills that we were 100% sure a lost season was being made – no matter the language, talking about yourself constantly is frowned upon during courtship (or pretty much ever).
Success, insomuch as two woman are still willing to go through with a proposal. Value? I'm not sure we'd be all that invested in any possible outcome tonight – including the rare double dump.
Simply? Juan Pablo seemed like a good idea on paper. But in real-ish life (or The Bachelor's version of life), Juan Pablo didn't open his heart up to the possibility of love. He only loved the idea of being The Bachelor.
We've made it this far, though. So no bailing now. Perhaps I'm wrong. Perhaps America is wrong. Perhaps the woman he chooses was his one and only and he's saved any emotion for her and her alone.
Let's find out…
7:00 – You know that the tide of public opinion has turned when stories like "Bachelor Juan Pablo Galavis Living at Home With Mom and Dad" or "Juan Pablo Galavis is the Worst Bachelor Ever" are what the conversation leading up to the finale is.
7:01 – Prediction: Clare is picked. No proposal. Stuff about the kid and they've got to get to know each other better.
7:12 – The cousin wants to know if Juan Pablo walks away, is she willing to hold on? Very interesting question.
7:14 – So we're about 97% through the season when we realize that Mr. Galavis the elder should have been the damn bachelor all along? Dude is SMOOTH. Had Clare rubbing on his hand and everything.
7:18 – And here we have a horse in too deep of water. Some might say Juan Pablo is drowning in the pool of public opinion. Is this symbolism? Probably not. But – hey – a horse in too deep of water.
7:25 – Better Call Saul! I mean, this guy is the best wingman of all time! Chris Harrison mentioned in this podcast what a guy Saul was. Turns out he was underplaying it.
7:28 – Sounds like Juan Pablo is the Usain Bolt of leaving relationships.
7:49 – And now Clare has turned on Juan Pablo after the unmentionable being mentioned. Muffin tops? Ex-Lovers? Her still avid support of Sarah Palin's political platform? WHAT WAS IT?
7:56 – If there was any doubt about what happened into the ocean, that has now been erased. But it also seems as if Juan Pablo also chose to come off the blocks a bit early in the race to leave this relationship. He can't wait to leave these women.
8:08 – Think I found Clare's new avatar.
8:13 – Time for a poll:
8:31 – What goes through Juan Pablo's mind when he reads a card like the one Nikki made?
+ Even Money | How quickly can I read this and get to the kissin'?
+ 2 to 1 | Nothing.
Vegas isn't taking action on any other bet.
8:39 – We didn't know it, but we've been rubbernecking the world's slowest car crash. At this point, we can't turn away. Let's share this moment together. Then never speak of it again.
8:44 – The rare set sharing agreement between Survivor and The Bachelor has been struck, it appears.
8:47 – Clare has been let go. A lot is going to be made of the "I would never want my children to have a father like you comment". But real talk? The producers weren't not letting this get to a final two showdown. But JP could have made the breakup a bit cleaner and acted like he cared… even just a little bit. RoboJuan.
9:02 – Nikki gets the final rose. She does not get proposed to.
NEXT WEEK: Season has ended.