There was a time – a time not too long ago – where the women of America swooned over Juan Pablo.
Eons have seemingly passed since his arrival as the next 'Bachelor', and that fickle mistress we call fame had one too many 'It's OK's' for her liking.
She's grown cold – chilled by after ocean sex shaming and self centered fantasy suite banter.
The rapture is here, my friends. And the the once tall redwood will be timbered by hatchets with names like Andi, Kat and Sharleen.
Nikki or Clare will be left with the sawdust.
Instead of Live Blogging, or at least the previous version of Live Blogging we've done with this show, we're going to keep score tonight.
Just who gets the best chops in?
All points will be scored 1 to 5 with 5 doing the most damage. Feel free to point out any non-scored situations I missed in the comments.
I'm not going to lie, the promos roped me in. I'm ready for the claws to come out. JP is chum. This is going to be sooo… wait… that's Sean and Katherine's music. NOOOOO! -500 points to Bachelor Producers
Now we get a Kermit & Ms. Piggy paid spot with Chris Harrison and Juan Pablo? This has gone off the rails with the quickness. -100 points to ABC
Cassandra just turned 22. And is lecturing JP on maturity when it comes to relationships. The edit can only protect The Bachelor so much. +1 point
Kat. Gets 1 point for looking hot. +1 point
Sharleen calls Mr. Galavis hooking up with Clare "buyer's remorse". And then accuses Juan Pablo of being the John Kerry of love and flip flopping with his feelings. +2 points
Renee – who might just be the nicest human ever – says that it didn't feel good for her to get her kid put in her face as a reason JP didn't want to makeout then turn around 20 seconds later and tongue down Clare. Damning just from who it comes from. +2 points
Andi: "I think he thinks he's a great bachelor." +1 point
Andi: "(I was) waiting to wake up and be done…" +1 point
Alli seems to have spoken up quite a bit tonight. No real memorable sound bites, per se. But deserves a point for something. +1 point
Victoria calls out JP for allegedly using 'English is my second language' as an excuse. Implores Juan Pablo to stop it. +3 points
- Victoria – 3 points
- Sharleen – 2 points
- Andi – 2 points
- Renee – 2 points
- Cassandra – 1 point
- Kat – 1 point
- Alli – 1 point
Truth is we probably were expecting a bit too much from this episode. ABC doesn't want to turn Juan Pablo into a full-on villain before the finale next week. And none of the girls were all that close to him to really give him the business hardcore.
Quite frankly, I'm sorry you even had to read all of this.