Andi 1-1

Bachelorette Live Blog: Episode 1 – Season Premiere

All rise.

You see, that’s funny because The Bachelorette  this season – Andi Dorfman – is a lawyer. Well, used to be a lawyer. She ‘took a break’ from her job as an Assistant District Attorney in Atlanta to become the 10th Bachelorette.

You might remember Andi from her time fileting America’s Nighmare (TM) Juan Pablo into a million tiny pieces, though. How fun was that? Fun enough that ABC tapped Ms. Andi to have her heart lusted after by America’s male crème de la crème.

Shall we take a look back?

That never gets old.

Friends, it’s been a barbaric winter. Blood-thirsty from equinox to solstice. Savagely sapping our hopes, dreams and general dispositions. But tonight, that’s all in the past.

It’s time to grab a double cup and get turnt up on love, because, well, as Drake would say “fuck it, we’re on one“.

Let’s date…

7:02 – Andi’s dad appears to be Michael Chiklis. Interesting.

7:12 – Despite Andi’s sister encouraging copious amounts of tongue wrestling, don’t expect this season to be sexed up. Here’s a recent quote: “You will not see a lot of hot-tub scenes; it’s not really my thing. But I feel like you can be sexy by being romantic and it doesn’t need to involve bikinis and hot tubs.”

7:19 – LET’S MEET SOME MEN!

7:21 – Hey, ho, aayyy heyyy. They are burning through these intros like a Gatling gun. Let’s pump the brakes here ABC. So far we’ve got a guy I’ve already forgot about. A ‘farmer’ of unspecified crops. And a ‘Pantsapreneur’. Not one with a pre-planned bit? Listen, it these dudes are going to act normal, then this might be a one-and-done blog this season. Step it UP, men.

7:22 – For the record, the city of Paris is against “love locks” and they claim infrastructure is being ruined under their collective weight. Not a good sign for Tasos.

7:24 – No. NO. NONONONONONONO NO. It is never, ever acceptable for a guy to make a note and use hearts as the dots of i’s. Rudie had a good schtick. And blew it. (Nice penmanship, otherwise.)

Hearts

7:26 – We’ve all been there. Tried to fill the void of silence. Said something and it just totally came off wrong. I mean, I’m sure Dylan isn’t all that concerned with his space that he needs a “bubble”. But henceforth, he’s Bubble Boy.

7:28 – Emil, sir, you aren’t fooling anyone. You’re on this show for one reason and one reason only… to try and get some of that sweet helicopter billing. Let’s get real for a second. Over 55% of helicopter business worldwide is subsidized by The Bachelor franchise. Maybe that’s rough estimate. But MAYBE you’re here to try and advance your career, pal.

7:30 – I feel Brett. That’s pretty much what I’d end up doing too. At least she gets a lamp, I’d say on the limo ride home. I’d be happy for her to have that lamp.

7:37 – Eric, the man who bestowed Peruvian dolls to our heroin upon meeting, lists his occupation as ‘explorer’ on the official bio site. His favorite actor is John Turturro. Here’s to you Eric:

7:46 – One of these days I too hope to find a love like Marquel has with cookies. I’d like to poke fun, but that man’s passion for cookies runs so deep, it’s endearing.

7:58 – Chris Bukowski? Chris Bukowski. He’s down at craft services and has a thing for Andi. But he won’t be allowed any further. Would someone that knows Chris please take his phone and download Tinder? There are much easier ways to meet women and he needs to start exploring them ASAP.

8:10 – Nick V. wins the first impression rose by volunteering as tribute from the lesser known District 14. Otherwise know as Friendzone.

CUT – Emil, Mike, Rudie, Jason, Josh B. (who didn’t take it all that well…).

THIS SEASON – Mimes, tire swings, squall, trains, yachts, sledding, light kissing, feelings, best friends getting in the way of your girl, mocking, mouth opening, light shoving, no respect, checking, manhood testing, house burning threats, exhaustion, this is not a joke, this is real, this is so hard, man tears, mic cords getting ripped off.

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