Baseball Hall of Fame member Ozzie Smith has had many illustrious distinctions in his career.

Yesterday, getting grilled by CardsDiaspora.com, will not rank among them.

In the 10 or so minutes we spent with the best SS the St. Louis Fighting Cardinals have ever employed, we covered more than a few topics: Was he offended by the RBI Baseball portrayal of him as a fat white guy? Had he ever been offered a protehsis to sign? Did he really have a swimming pool shaped like a glove in his back yard?

Remember... these are the questions that you posted and wanted answered, so I was nothing more than a trained dog. (Refresh your memory LINK HERE)

Unfortunalty, I wasn't able to get the ones hammering him for endorsing a divorce lawyer. But after the RBI Baseball question, I'm not going to lie- I felt a little wierd. It ALWAYS looks easier on paper.

Other things we covered during the visit: prostate exams, his favorites double play wing-man, just what the hell is wrong with the 2010 Cards and a Ozzie admonishment at the NL's pitiful All-Star Game performance the last decade.

Also, re-listening to this, it seems like we're in a nasal off. I assure that I've not doctored this recording in any way and those are our actual voices. I apologize for that in advance...

Ozzie talked to us because he's on a promitional campaign to end prostate cancer. Check out the LINK HERE for more information on this cause from Depend (note: the website link is a little janky, may not load...). And if you're over 50 and black, make sure to get a prostate exam.

They really nailed their demo with the CD, huh?

NOTE: Gift card winner will be announced in the comments here @ 2p CST

You voted over the weekend and right now as the Cardinals enter the All-Star Game break, you have 86% confidence that the St. Louis baseball team will make the playoffs.

That’s down from 99% in Week 1. And has dropped precipitously in the past 3 weeks.

Now watch this clip and marvel. I needed to share this ASAP. LINK HERE (HT: JBoyd)

Whoa.

That was a painful series in Colorado people. Real painful. Alleged terrorist and friend of the site Slick Willy was at all three games. And if his texts were any indication on how Cardinal Nation feels after getting the pointy end of the broom up the tookus… then we’re in trouble folks.

• Would Pujols pull a LeBron on St. Louis? READ HERE
• What the Rams need to do to win 4 games in 2010 READ HERE

The worst part is that the runs were there… but now the bullpen falls apart. For months it’s been a stagnant offense that was the culprit. It’s like these guys are trying to mess with our heads.

I tweeted last week that for the first time in 2010, I was not 100% sure the Cardinals were making the playoffs this season. I still put it at about 95% last week. But as of yesterday, I think the confidence meter is dropping precipitously.

So much so, that we need to do a poll. Answer now or over the weekend and I’ll create the Cardinal Fan Confidence Meter and post it on Monday.

Now… The Friday Links

• 25 things I bet you didn't know about Back to the Future. LINK HERE
• Are you lazy? I bet you are. Then you'll love this prototype. LINK HERE
• A truly appropriate face. LINK HERE
• Another 'why didn't I think of that' moment for your keys. LINK HERE
• Guy maybe be the best at working a limbo stick. Ever. LINK HERE (HT: JRH)
• Sandwich in a can. Enough said. LINK HERE
• The most realistic mask made to date. Cree-py. LINK HERE

Go forth. Enjoy the weekend. Watch the World Cup Final on Sunday and drink a beer for me.

This is 100% out of the sports-talk radio guy handbook (probably in section 1 of the first article), but today is the most important game for the 2010 Cardinals.

The season is barely halfway through, so I'm not going to be an ass and say this is a must-win or anything, but there are three major issues that will be looked at after the Cardinals and Rockies walk off the field today, and determine whether or not we need to start freaking out:

1) The Bounce-Back

After the bullpen lit the entire Rocky Mountain time zone on fire Tuesday, the Cardinals offense didn't hang their head too long, as they put up seven runs on Wednesday. Two months of offensive woes or not, you'd take seven runs every day of the week. So how does the offense respond after a second bullpen meltdown? A win (especially against Ubaldo Jimenez) would put the team's mind at ease, at least a little bit. A loss means a long flight to Houston and three mailed-in games before the All-Star break. And another bullpen loss means it's time to elbow-drop the Panic Button.

2) Chris Carpenter

Carp took a good ol' shellacking from the Brewers last weekend, giving up 7 in three innings. Any time something like that happens, you automatically think "is he hurt?" Not just the sore forearm; could be his shoulder, elbow, back, who knows? Before that Saturday start, he walked 4 or 5 batters in three of his previous four starts. Maybe it's because Wainwright has zoomed by him as the best pitcher on the ballclub, but he just hasn't seemed very Carp-like on a consistent basis this year. Despite 20 runs in two days, if he gets hammered by the Rockies, I'm worried.

3) How Do You Make Yourself Better Than The Reds?

At game time, the Reds are three up on the Cardinals. I think it's safe to assume Walt Jocketty isn't sitting around polishing his Executive of the Year trophies. So what do the Cardinals do to make themselves better? The Reds are scary to me because they have Edinson Volquez coming back very soon (juiced up and all!), along with Homer Bailey, from the DL. They might not single-handedly lead the Reds to the division title, but those are two possible stud arms available to them down the stretch. And their third bullet is Aroldis Chapman, the Cuban defector they inked this past off-season. They guy throws a legit 100 mph, and based on his last six appearances, it's easy to see what his role will be with the 2010 Reds. Holy. Shit. That could be really bad news for the Cardinals. I know we have no idea what hard-throwing, strikeout guys in the bullpen could mean, but I've heard they're helpful for winning ballgames, sometimes even in the playoffs.

Even better, the Reds are now rumored to be in the hunt for Cliff Lee. If that day comes, you should expect this to become a Rams and Blues site until February 2011.

Looks like mom isn't too happy with the Cardinals.

And I can't say I blame her. Pretty much how everybody feels. (If you didn't see it, the Cards blew a 5 run lead. Again. And this is the VM I got right after that rookie served up a Benes-esque meatball down central.)

Yes. That's my real mom. She's great!

You’ll excuse me if I gloss over last night’s 9^th inning debacle, but I haven’t quite finished processing it yet. No amount of hypnotherapy can undo the damage that game did to my fragile and damaged psyche. You see that dog’s face? I think he speaks for all of us, no? ANYWAY, speaking of head cases, has anyone  checked in on Carlos Zambrano lately? (See how I so deftly switched topics there? Mental breakdown AVOIDED!) I haven’t heard much about his anger management therapy, but I have a hard time believing it’s really helping. I actually saw Ryan Dempster in a Starbucks by Wrigley a couple of weeks ago and had half a mind to ask him if they’re going to pad the dugout in anticipation of Zambrano’s return. However, it was early in the morning and I really wasn’t in the mood to have a latte dumped on my dress pants. Besides, I think we all know that Carlos will be heavily supervised after this and not allowed out of his strait jacket except for practice, meals and maybe 90 minutes of television per day. (Maybe Hooks can send him copies of the Bachelorette on DVD? That seems like something Carlos would enjoy, what with him being such a hopeless romantic and all. Who will Ali choose? AND WILL HE PROPOSE???)

In any case, Big Z resumes practice this week, so he’ll likely be back to terrorizing water coolers everywhere right after the All Star break. As a three time All Star himself, one has to wonder how he feels about his situation as that annual, yet useless celebration approaches. We are less than a week away, people!!! THIS REQUIRES MULTIPLE EXCLAMATION POINTS!!! For those of you that don’t know me, (which I assume is almost everyone that reads this blog except my dad,) I have a hard time getting excited for this yearly event. I know that a lot of people will disagree with me, but I find little entertainment in watching an exhibition match with no major implications. In fact, I spend most of the time feeling conflicted over any Cardinals being on the team, lest they pull a hammy while half assedly circling the bases in what will likely end up another AL victory. I understand the pomp and circumstance, the tradition and what have you, but I don’t like meaningful baseball being truncated so abruptly in the middle of the season so that the MLB execs may indulge in a circus of self congratulation and ass grabbing. You, gentleman, are harshing my buzz. (Or would be, I suppose, if the Cardinals didn’t currently want to make me pour battery acid into my eyeballs.) Last year, I think I caught about two and half innings of the game itself and approximately 20 minutes of the homerun derby. My favorite part of the whole affair? Watching Nelly play outfield in the celebrity softball game. (Don’t judge me! COUNTRY GRAMMAR IS THE SOUNDTRACK OF A GENERATION!) I feel like I should feel guilty for this, yet I really, really don’t. It all seems arbitrary and unnecessary, so I have a very difficult time actually CARING about the outcome. Home field advantage, blah, blah, blah, can this just be over so we can go back to being invested in and excited about stuff that actually matters? Like how much money Albert Pujols must spend in shaving cream every year? That goatee is METICULOUS.

Anyway, in more important (to me!) news, I recently found out that I’m going to have a niece. This is only relevant here because my family recently took a trip to a Babies R Us (admittedly my first time), in which we pretty well wiped out their Cardinals inventory. Between my dad, my brother-in-law, my very, very patient sister, my bemused mom and me, this poor child does not stand a chance. She’s going to be swearing at Skip Schumaker and Aaron Miles THROUGH THE WOMB by the end of this pregnancy. Guaranteed. For good measure, my dad did a couple of victory laps through the store and hid as much of the Cubs merchandise in the back of the racks as he could. He’s a visionary, that one. It’s impressive, really.

Okay, I think I’ve held off long enough. It’s time to stop blabbering on like an Alzheimer’s patient and finish watching the game in progress. Under the heavy influence of alcohol, of course.

I forget what year all that ‘Hard Nine’ crap flooded St. Louis, but Tony LaRussa’s mantra was all the rage around 2005 or 2006.

A blue collar town, crazy about the Cardinals, LaRussa saw how well the Rams resonated with ‘Gotta Go To Work’- Dick Vermeil’s similar slogan- and ran with it. It humanized millionaires. Made it seem like guys who play a ball game for a few hours every night know what it’s like to have their asses handed to them by a foreman or get burnt out on a roof from 6a to 8p six days a week. Like most marketing the Cardinals do… it worked. We believed that LaRussa, and by extension the players, were not the type of people that wouldn’t give 110% until that final out was recorded. They were like us; hard workers. Maybe they didn’t win every game, but they damn sure weren’t going to lose from trying.

Last night the Cardinals lead the Colorado Rockies 9-3 heading into the bottom of the ninth inning. They lost the game 12-9. We are awash in blame today.

Randy Winn absolutely butchered a ball in right field. Aaron Miles was shaky at best at second base. Molina let a passed ball by that plated a run. Franklin served up some serious meat. Reyes was a gas can. LaRussa played for extra innings before he even got there….

The list goes on.

But it doesn’t matter. Great teams in baseball lose 60 times a year. Playoff teams can lose 70 or more times and still win it all. Baseball is a game of failure. Where succeeding 3 out of 10 times makes you an All-Star, not an also-ran.

More bluntly- baseball is a fucking grind. A athletic sausage factory that’s relentless and cruel. The teams that can keep it in the casing the best are the ones that are playing in October.

The Cardinals have exactly 1/7 of the NL All-Star team in 2010 on their roster… RIGHT NOW. All of them are playing, none are injured. Night after night, they roll out one of (theoretically) the best line-ups in all of baseball. So why are they mired in second place? Why can they not get the traction we all expected by now?

As cliché as it may be… these guys just don’t play a hard 9.

And that’s on Tony. And Albert. And every other player on this team. Because you shouldn’t turn 6 run leads into 3 run losses in the bottom of the ninth. You shouldn’t be laughing when Reyes hits for himself in the top of the inning and doesn’t run down the line. You shouldn’t be hoping the other guy makes a play and not take the onus of the game unto yourself.

No. You have to respect the fact that the other side has paid players that want to win too.

St. Louis takes a lot of horse shit from the Cardinals. And we take it because we all love baseball. But I can promise you one thing: St. Louis never has and never will take a team that cashes checks.

We’re all working our asses off today, Cardinals. Wish we could say the same for you last night.

Did you independence your dignity this weekend?

Good.

You probably ate like a fat kid, too. I know I sure as hell did. (BTW- Papa John’s might just have the most foul chicken wings on the planet. Consider yourself warned if a pizza/wing special sounds especially appetizing. Good God, Papa… )

Since it was such a hit at many fourth of July parties this weekend, I figure I’d steal the idea from a 99 cent iPhone app and present to you FAT FACE!

First up… Brendan Ryan.

Joey Chestnut has won the Mustard Yellow Belt, swallowing an epic 54 dogs and buns in the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest.

Pujols, Yadi, Holliday, Wainwright and Carpenter have been named NL All-Stars for the 2010 game in Anaheim.

The VP Fair is attracting huge crowds to the Arch grounds and pumping some much needed activity into downtown.

My friends, all is good this July 4th. All is GOOD.

A long time ago, in a barn far away from the Midwest, some pretty ballsy motherlovers decided that the British were a big gaping vagina and proposed we bring a world of pain on their asses.

Mission accomplished.

200 something odd years later, we're still kicking ass. Happy birthday, America. (FYI- the video below has NSFW-language if you are unlucky and are working today...)

I’ve been to many concerts.

I’ve seen everything from Three Six Mafia under a hastily constructed tent to Fleetwood Mac in a large arena. I’ve watched O.A.R. in a bar with 6 other people before they were big and wedged myself into the Pageant when Girl Talk was at his apex. From Bone Thugs & Harmony to Boyz II Men, Dave Matthews to Widespread Panic, Nelly to North Mississippi All-Stars… my resume is diverse and deep. I spent a significant part of my 20’s seeking out and attending concerts that I thought would be entertaining for one reason or another.

So I don’t say this lightly: Micheal Buble was one of the 10 best concerts I’ve ever been to.

• Read how TLR’s immigration comments divided the locker room LINK HERE
• Read a 2 month retrospective on the STL Rams 2010 draft class LINK HERE

Tuesday night I got Buble’d in Indianapolis. But Hooks, weren’t you watching The Bachelorette on Monday? Is this site now owned by Bravo? Luckily Buble started off his concert with a pretty bold stand-up routine addressing this very issue.

‘Most of the other guys at the office are wondering what happened to your dicks, am I right? Wonder why you’d go see that Buble crap? Tomorrow you can tell them to fuck off, because tonight we’re going to have a party.’ Upon hearing this, he spots a couple of 10 year old girls in the second row and addresses that: ‘Perfect. How old are you girls? 10? So this was NOT was mom was expecting at Buble, huh?’

This was all probably scripted. But it worked. He sold it. And then he ripped into about 100 minutes of music with a full-on 15 piece band that was awesome. No shit- It was awesome.

He worked the crowd, did a spontaneous Michael Jackson medley (after explaining that every reporter asks him about growing up and worshiping Frank Sinatra, when really he loved MJ) before finishing off the concert alone, on stage, with no mic, a completely silent arena packed with 15K people and killed a song.

Cool. As. Fuck.

Women were literally shaking leaving the arena. Every guy was looking at each other wanting to know it was OK to say out loud ‘that was gooood’. Everybody wondering how to explain just what the hell happened there and if anyone would actually believe them.

Listen, I know I’m going to get killed for this. No matter what I say, people, especially guys, aren’t going to believe that Michael Buble puts on a hell of a show. But I’m telling you right now… he DOES.

Don’t trust me about anything else I’ve ever said, but trust me on this. Oh, and that awesome pic above? I took it with iPhone4. I’m awesome too.

Now… The Friday Links:

• Kid breaks world record by putting on 215 pairs of underpants at once. LINK HERE
• 10 best pics of Chris Brown crying at the World Cup. LINK HERE
• In honor of the 4th weekend- 18 special moments when a rocket is launched. LINK HERE
• People wonder why I don't eat fish? This is why. LINK HERE
• The new Old Spice commerical might be better than the last one. LINK HERE
• Waste some time at Dear Blank, Please Blank. LINK HERE
• Somebody had an interesting night, didn't they? LINK HERE (HT: JRH)
• An offfical in Iceland won't work with others until they've seen all 5 seasons of The Wire. LINK HERE

And if you think you're getting out of this post without a Buble Video? Child please...