Jeff Suppan felt like Bambi out there on the mound last night.

All cute and wobbly on his wittle Bambi legs. Just trying to do the wery west he could do. We rooted with all our hearts that he wouldn’t get shot, but when Yadier Molina visited the mound when the sacks got packed in the top of the first… It looked like the anti-abortionist movement would have to make an exception for Suppan’s career.

Somehow, disaster was averted. Bambi had made it through his first start (again) as a St. Louis Cardinal and gave us at least a glint of hope that he might be able to pull a quality start out of his puffy little tail at some point these next few weeks.

Now let’s not get carried away, though. At the end of the day, Suppan couldn’t get through 5 and the bullpen was used liberally. Again. And we all know that these extended outings from relievers don’t usually get spun into October gold. If Suppan’s next start is a carbon copy of this one- it won’t be acceptable.

But for now, I’m willing to accept this as a step in the right direction.

ASIDE: What happened at the end of Bambi? Did the mother get shot or Bambi? And if it is the mother that got shot A) why does everybody assume it was Bambi and B) you think Hollywood would have the balls to make a kids movie where a main character dies sadly at the end?

Mid-June in year 1 of a 7 year pact for Matt Holliday.

The day after Ryan Ludwick (temporarily?) took over the 4th position in the batting order from Matt Holliday.

It's far, far too early to call this signing a cock-up on par with Kyle Loshe or Mark Mulder... but here's the stark reality: Ryan Ludwick, if he continues this level of play, is leaving St. Louis after this season.

According to Cots Baseball Contracts, Ludwick is playing 2010 under a 1 year 5.45 million dollar deal. Holliday will make just slightly more than 17 million. Seeing as the Cardinals have publicly stated that they don't want Albert Pujols to reach the option year of his contract (2011) means that every 4 RBI game Ludwick produces, the more his price climbs out of the reach of the St. Louis Cardinals.

Holliday is a talented player. And most of his angst at the plate has been saved for AB's with runners on the base paths. You assume that these splits of bases empty/runners on will come closer to even by the end of the year. But this isn't so much a referendum on his performance as it is a lauding of Ryan Ludwick. Because he leads MLB in one of the more important stats in all of baseball-

Batting average with RISP.

Those are the kind of stats that get corner outfielders money. Going on tears of 4 HR's in 7 games are the kind of stats that get GM's moist. Bad, bad combination for the Cardinals ownership.

Ludwick does owe some loyalty to the Cardinals, yes. They were the ones that nursed him back to prominence after the Cleveland Indians all but gave up on the oft-injured, but talented prospect earlier this decade. But loyalty only burns so deep when your entering the prime of your career as an undervalued player on a championship caliber team. At a certain point you've got to take the best deal you can get.

Another couple of nights like last night for Ryan Ludwick and that deal isn't going to come from the Cardinals.

COMPLETELY UNRELATED NOTE: For the most part, I'm a pretty daft man. Being deeply cynical, prevents many big surprises... but this past Saturday I was had. Some family and friends threw me a surprise birthday party... and I was surprised. 95% of the 10 people who read this junk everyday won't be interested to see a clip of me being shocked to see a house full of people when I came back from binge drinking during the US/UK World Cup match- but for the 5%... LINK HERE

Claiming that the pioneering spirit of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim and their ‘Thunder Sticks’, Cardinals Chairman Bill DeWitt announced Sunday that his team would be the first to introduce the Vuvuzela to American sporting audiences.

Widely criticized by players and soccer traditionalists alike, the plastic horns have become the hottest topic at the 2010 FIFA World Cup currently taking place in South Africa.

“We understand that the Vuvuzela doesn’t have the popularity of a magnetic schedule or hastily designed Ice Mountain poster… but there was a day that the MLB didn’t have Dominican’s either and that’s worked out for the Cardinals” DeWitt said before taking a deep pull off his custom Cardinal Vuvuzela.

He added “Besides- we’re the fucking Cardinals. You’ll blow when we tell you to.”

Sandy Jennings, spokesperson for the St. Louis based Institute for the Blind and Deaf immediately decried the announcement in a written statement on their website: “The St. Louis Cardinals are leaders in our community. They need to set a better example. Dan and Al are more than enough to take.”

Meanwhile US Local 133 of the plastics council, pledged to support the Vuvuzlea night, claiming that he expects more than 10 new jobs to open up when the order for the plastic pipes is placed this coming month.

Local Chief Russ Bradley added “This could be the move that finally gets Ballpark Village going, right?”

Dewitt took few questions from reporters, but did make it clear that Vuvuzlea night was being planned for the August series against the Cubs.

The Dragon makes very few requests. Of this site, at least. But he's been on my ass about turning the CD into a World Cup site for at least one day to screw with you fools. Seeing as I don't want to be cut out of the will- I abide.

Today- Cards Diaspora is going to bring you (in this post) all the good shit we can find about the World Cup that has already started as you read this. The 'Friday Links' will return in their normal fashion next Friday... but for now, it's all futbol.

1) If you're like me- then you want to know where you can go in St. Louis to go get drunk with the people that actually watch this crap more than every four years. Luckily, our friends at the RFT did The CD a solid and came up with the definitive list: LINK HERE

2) The US and England open play for both nations this Saturday at around 1:30p CST. You think they're taking it seriously across the pond? Simon Barnes from the London Times on England's state of mind: "Traditionally, in medicine the phase of shock, accompanied by a drop in blood pressure and kidney failure, requires fluid resuscitation. Self-administered fluid intake becomes characteristic of most sufferers of World Cup fever" LINK HERE

State side, the analysis is a bit less breathless. LINK HERE

Although the US is also already bracing for a loss, according to the USA Today fluff piece on the Yanks... reminding people that a loss against England doesn't mean the end of the tournament: LINK HERE

3) NY Magazine has a breakdown of group C (the one the US is in) and makes some predictions on the outcome of the group. LINK HERE

4) Maybe your the type of man or woman that is a shit disturber. And maybe you don't really have a rooting interest in this whole deal. Well, then this list of the 11 dirtiest players in this World Cup may be of interest to you: LINK HERE

5) VIDEOS! K'naan Wavin' Flag: LINK HERE Tony Danza Soccer produces the World Cup 2010 trailer: LINK HERE Some are calling this Nike spot the best commercial of all time. LINK HERE And the Black Eyed Peas, of course, kicked off the tournament last night with a concert. Seriously. LINK HERE

6) Of course we'll need some up to date odds, right? For entertainment purposes only. LINK HERE Looks like Spain is the favorite @ 5 to 1 while the US is 95 to 1 currently. If you're into prop bets or MVP voting- David Villa is 9 to 1, while Leo Messi is 11 to 1.

7) Since this might be your first time really getting into the World Cup and you'll need some ammunition to make you look less like the bandwagon jumping dickhead you are and more like a real soccer buff, let's read up on some tournament traditions: LINK HERE

8) The comprehensive ABC/ESPN World Cup TV Schedule: LINK HERE And while we're talking TV, here's a linkable database of all the announcers you'll be hearing and seeing during the tournament. LINK HERE

9) Oh, and in case you were wondering if you were going to be able to avoid the World Cup on ESPN, just like the Stanley Cup playoffs? Not a chance. According to the Wall Street Journal: John Skipper, ESPN President of Programming... "The World Cup will be a mass event this year in the U.S." LINK HERE

10) Sports Illustrated is covering this World Cup from every angle. Check out their comprehensive look at every single angle imaginable: LINK HERE

11) Some love for my Twitter friends out there... follow Bob Ley from ESPN. Follow SI's Grant Wahl for the latest updates on all the news. And follow Landon Donovan from Team USA for some inside info. Maybe. I also know that Peter King and some other media types are in S. Africa for the World Cup. Feel free to post Twitter follow suggestions in the comments below. I know I've missed some good ones.

12) I didn't know much about South Africa beyond what the Waterboy told me about his adventures there, so it was surprising to me how many 'major-ish' cities their are in S. Africa. If you're interested in the venues they will use to play all the games, check out this interactive map of the venues: LINK HERE

13) 17 places to watch the World Cup for free online: LINK HERE

14) A very cool interactive calendar of everything involving the World Cup: LINK HERE

So there you go. More than 14 things to get your World Cup started courtesy of the worst baseball blog in the history of the world. Please, please do feel free to e-mail us or post other interesting links around the World Cup to us or in the comment section below. This is just a start...

Oh, and lastly... GO USA!

And if you want to check out my work on InsideSTL today, I won't discourage that. You know, if you came here for Cardinals talk or something. Plus, check out the little BertFlex reunion/fight below. It's good.

Never before has athooks gone to the bullpen when it comes to a good, solid debate. But today, he's calling in the closer to settle this Jeff Suppan business once and for all.

He randomly picked an IP address out of a hat and poof - the Mad Librarian's came up. She gave us five reasons why Jeff Suppan should remain in Cali, grilling up some beef, and I countered with five equally thought-out reasons why there should be some resemblance of excitement seeing #37 back in town.

Pitting former BertFlex comrades against each other violates a code of the interwebs somewhere, but for the hell of it - allow me to take the ML to Beatdown City:

Top Five Reasons the Re-Signing of Jeff Suppan Makes Me Want to Punch a Baby

1. Even at the pro-rated minimum, a 35-year-old retread pushed out to pasture in the bullpen is no bargain. And shouldn’t we be investing those nickels for Albert’s big payday? Or, I don’t know, installing a Port-A-Potty at scenic Ballpark Village?*

2. Can we take another season of stories about Dave Duncan: Pitcher Whisperer?

3. The team filled its 2010 jobber quota with Aaron Miles. (And here’s some disturbing news: Miles’ career ERA in relief pitching: 6.00. Suppan’s 2010 ERA in relief: 7.48. And for those of you who still hate Motte, his ERA this year: 2.59. Yeah, that just happened.)

4. Oh, I don’t know: Ottavino, Hawksworth, Walters. If we want to reform pitchers with mediocre numbers, we’ve got all the material we need.

5. Sign Guy gets three more months out of his “Soup’s On” sign. Fuck.

* Which, after three seasons, remains neither scenic nor a village.

Top Five Reasons the Re-Signing of Jeff Suppan Only Merits Elbowing a Baby, and That's It!

1. Jeff Suppan was once in a political commercial. So was Chuck Norris! They also have badass facial hair, which pretty much makes Suppan the same guy as Chuck Norris.

1a. Jeff Suppan is anti-abortion. Without the likes of him, Tim Tebow would have never been born. Without Tim Tebow, ESPN would be homeless and out on the street right now. God Bless Tim Tebow.

2. Sure, Suppan isn't as exciting (or good) as Pedro Martinez.

3. Wow, point 2 didn't really help my case. Nor did this one.

4. 2004 and 2006 might have been a long time ago for you, but Mr. Suppan was CASH. MONEY. those years in the playoffs. Who else has a Game 7 specialist? If anything, Jeff Suppan is an incentive for a playoff foe to lose a series in six games, so they're not embarrassed and added to the long list of shitty teams that he has mowed down when the stakes are high.

5. Since the Mad Librarian is a racist against St. Louis, she'd probably side with this assclown Brewers fan. Even cheer him on mid-stream. Nobody from the '06 championship club deserves this, even if they are in little bobblehead form:

I hope that settles it. Glad to see you back Jeff. The Cardinals could use a coach like you.

(What's that?)

Feel free to add your thoughts - good or bad - below. We'll even take suggestions on what Brewers bobbleheads should be pissed on in retaliation.

I'm gone for a few days and all of a sudden Randy Winn pops up in the lineup? I like the days of the random Larry Walker trades that meant something (ahem, wins). Hitting the ON switch would be good, fellas. Any day now...

As for the "gone for a few days" part, you might have read a little preview about my excursion to our nation's capital. I just got back into town yesterday, and I could really use another day off. I quickly learned that Washington DC is a real city, and overall, kicks a lot of ass. I didn't really know it was possible to get around to fun places without a car; crazy, huh?

The downside was that we walked a good ten miles on Monday. Even with hopping around the city via the Metro subway, it was a crazy amount of walking. And because I'm a little tired and trying to catch up with my neglected DVR, I'm going to half-ass this recap. I know you don't really mind, you all read this site for Hooks' whole-assed articles anyway...wait, that came out wrong. I think you know what I mean.

Let's start with the Reds/Nationals battle Sunday. When he was warming up in the 'pen, I was within attack range of Sir Douchington himself:

Jack Bauer kept yelling at me to "TAKE THE SHOT," but I couldn't do it. The Reds won 5-4 in extras. It was weird to see nearly all 30 teams represented by the variety of shirts/hats/etc, worn by fans throughout the park. If you saw someone wearing Braves gear to a Phillies/Cards game, at least ten people would ask what the fuck they're doing.

Walking around Nationals Park afterwards, they've got their own BPV in development. It's a dirt lot right now, but sounds really cool and trendy since it's called Half Street. Be on the lookout. It'll be ready in 2009, so call your local travel agent now.

The few of you who know me know I have an affinity for young boys who play baseball. So you'd think I'd be first in line for the StrasburgMania/Strasmus/Strastivus Festival on Tuesday night. It took a lot of restraint, but sadly I was not in attendance. I was in store for something good though, as you'll see below.

Monday was the big tourist-y day. Saw pretty much all aspects of the Smithsonian during the day, then a night tour of the Memorials. I'm pretty sure Wilson Wilson was our tour guide, so it was interesting to say the least.

Then Tuesday night was the highlight of the trip, and sadly (or awesomely, depending on how cool you are) the main reason for heading to DC - seeing Conan O'Brien on his "Legally Prohibited from Being Funny on Television Tour." There's nothing I can possibly say that stresses how good the show was, but if you have any way humanly possible to see him at Bonnaroo or his last stop in Atlanta - do it. Right now. Seriously. It was excellent, and easily worth the entire trip out there.

It also helps when you stick around to snag autographs of him and Andy Richter after the show:

Even though this isn't Twitter, I'll drop the #celebritywhore tag on you right now. Boom. Just happened.

A trip back to DC will definitely be in the works at some point in the future. Great time, start to finish.

-One other note: props to Mr. Wilkins and Ms. @jhadleyconrad for the food recs. I appreciate it. Neither one of them would steer you wrong, folks.

-And one final Cardinal note, thrown in for no reason: if you thought you were a badass fantasy player...I've owned Zack Cox since my draft in March. Winner.

-Come to think of it, I didn't really half-ass this at all. It's one of the longest and greatest Diaspora articles this month.

-Next on the roadtrip agenda is The College World Series in a couple weeks. I haven't informed them yet, but the guys I'm going with and I are planning on doing some video work while up in Omaha. Seeing how one of them took a full gallery of "jailbait" photos a couple years ago, nothing could possibly go wrong with the video idea, right?

The will to win.

It's inherent in some people; lacking in others. And the collective force of individuals forms a team will that can be very predictive of the future...

The Cardinals are now 10-11 in one run games in 2010.

We can sit here and ask how a team paying almost 40 million dollars, close the payroll of the Marlins team, to it's 3 and 4 hitters, can go entire games without scratching out even 1 run. But this is baseball. Over the course of 162 games, you're going to have off nights at the plate. But I think the stat above is much more telling, because it paints a broader picture of the character of this team.

What it's showing me is that, while expectations are still high, this unit of men doesn't really have the 'hammer' when the outcome of any particular game is in the balance. They lack the testicular fortitude to impose their will on other teams and win when winning is in doubt.

They're mentally weak.

And that doesn't bode well for the post-season, my friends. Not at all.

In fact, I'd submit to you, that games like last nights meek 1-0 loss to the LA Dodgers are the kinds of losses that are more effectual than we'd like to admit. You think Chris Carpenter is happy that a night's hard work is all for naught because Matt Holliday didn't work the count or Skip Shumaker couldn't get on base? Do you believe that he isn't harboring some resentment for his mates that looked like they'd rather be at Nobu than Chavez Ravine? Are you certain that these guys even give the least bit of flying fuck about each other?

I'm not so sure anymore.

Of all the Cardinal teams that had a championship pedigree, this is the one time that I can honestly say that everyone involved seems to be in it for themselves. And that's not to say these guys don't individually want to win or that they can't win. But it doesn't feel like a team that's going to necessarily be pissed at themselves for screwing Carp out of a win. Or that would even think about it for 10 seconds after the game, for that matter.

We never hear these guys talk about one another. Never snapping at reporters when they ask probing questions about teammate's struggles.

10-11 doesn't mean almost average. It's a referendum on a teams spine.

In the Cardinals case, they're going to need to decide fairly quickly if that snapshot of the first 1/3 of the season is the norm or aberration.

I'm starting to lose faith that it's the latter.

Prince? What say you?

I’ve been a bit distracted over the past two weeks, which has had an adverse effect on my ability to generate coherent thoughts on those crazy Redbirds, or really on anything else for that matter.  Some might blame it on the amount of alcohol I’ve consumed over this short period of time, but that would only be partially to blame.  In any case, I've missed you lovely people!  What better way to illustrate that than by bitching and moaning incessantly about a bunch of random crap?  Nothing, I say!

Extra Innings – I had the pleasure of watching this past Saturday’s game against Milwaukee, as a result of the nice folks at Fox Sports who decided to make it a nationally showcased telecast.  Thanks, guys!  However, let me tell you one thing about watching contests like that.  The extra innings make me a mad woman!  Not only do they tend to be tedious, but they are also ten times as stressful as regular old run-of-the-mill innings.  EVERY SINGLE PITCH is honed in on and analyzed and strategized in ways that just don’t happen with 1 out in the bottom of the 4^th.  Plus, you get pitching changes to coordinate with each subsequent batter that make those extra outs drag on FOR ETERNITY.  I swear, I aged about thirteen years on Saturday afternoon.  When Colby Rasmus finally singled in the winning run, I think I developed Alzheimers.

Vehicle Shopping – One of the biggest distractions of the past couple of weeks has been the fact that I’m in the process of purchasing a new set of wheels.  I’ve been driving the same car since I graduated high school (approximately one hundred years ago), so I finally decided over Memorial Day weekend to put the poor thing out to pasture and into retirement.  Having never purchased a vehicle before, this has been both illuminating and frustrating.  Who in the hell is actually in charge here?  How many different people does it take to coordinate this kind of thing?  I mean, it seems to be a fairly common practice.  Shouldn’t there be a predictable pattern?  The car is being delivered on Thursday, but as of press time, I still don’t know exactly how much it's costing me or the terms of the loan I'm taking out against it.  I’m no expert, but those seem like relatively important things to know.  Could someone please get me a flow chart?

Denny Reyes – Going back to that Saturday game, I was ready to set fire to a basket of kittens and burn down an orphanage after Reyes choked up the lead and eliminated any possibility of Adam Ottavino notching his first big league victory.  What a big mean jerk!  Thanks for screwing everything up, DENNY!  I certainly hope he sent Adam a letter of apology or a large bouquet of Fruit Flowers afterwards.  It's the least he could do after that disgusting display of futility.

Gas Grills – I am positively TERRIFIED of my gas grill.  Every time I go to light the thing, I’m convinced I’m going to die in a fiery explosion that quickly engulfs my entire city block.  There is no logical reason for me to assume this, yet I cannot stop the paranoid suspicion that an errant flick of the Aim-a-Flame is going to result in me being hurled to my death from my tenth floor balcony in a burning ball of flames.  I was reminded of this over the weekend when during a Saturday afternoon deep cleaning spree, I decided to clean off the ol’ grill and get it ready for summer.  I’m not kidding when I say my hand was trembling when I turned the gas on.  I’m a complete schizoid.

Bullpen Ballgames – You know those agonizing extra innings I mentioned earlier? Well, that’s pretty much how I imagine the entire game is going to be tonight, as Tony LaRussa has promised us a sampling of all the best the Cardinals bullpen has to offer.  Blake Hawksworth technically gets the start, but make no mistake, they’re probably going to trot out more pitchers tonight than is mathematically possible.  It’s going to be excruciating, which is why I’m happy I have plans with my girlfriends to watch The Bachelorette instead.  As painful as that no doubt will be, at least I will likely be drunk and in bed before the first pitch is thrown.

Aziz Ansari is a funny guy. He’s kind of got a stilted delivery that is vagrance, if just a little, of the late great Mitch Headberg. But you wouldn’t have known it if you watched the MTV Movie Awards last night. His material was the comedic equivalent to a soft, steaming dog pile. I literally had to change the channel in the midst of his R. Kelly tribute AND his Avatar riff, both following a very tepid open.  Many may question if the ‘stage’ was too big for Aziz, but I don’t. I question the writers that were doing their best to turn Aziz into the Muslim Jay Lenno. Cut budget on video screens for every square inch of the stage and beyond, not on write staff…

You ever get the feeling that David Freese is snake bit? That things were going juuuuust a bit too good for him, so the Baseball Gods sent down a fluke rolled ankle? And before you comment that getting loaded and driving a vehicle around isn’t ‘bad luck’- well, you’re right. So maybe this is karmatic payback; is that what you’re saying? Perhaps…

Friday night I went to this birthday party. The people that were hosting were in their 50’s and never had a kid. You know what else they had? A lighted washer pit. I sick ass pool. An outdoor and indoor bar. Huge TV’s everywhere. A pool table in the middle of their living room. Cuban cigars…

A hypothetical: Albert Pujols’ games are picked up by FOX all summer long every Cardinal game is available to the entire nation. What does his stat line look like? .500/115/275? The guy doesn’t ever not deliver on the big stage. He’s got more sense of the ‘moment’ than any other athlete in any sport…

Movie Snot: I came home buzzed on Saturday night and got on the Video OnDemand. Found ‘Land of the Lost’ and got about 25 minutes into it before turning off the TV and going to bed. One of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. Again, I was pretty drunk. I was going to be entertained by just about anything that was on that screen. Yet I couldn’t take one more minute of that movie. Just a terrible, terrible idea for everyone involved…

Will Ferrell. The Trevor Hoffman of cinema? He’s definitely lost command of the change-up ...

Ryan Ludwick physically looks like he’s a terrible RF. But watching the dude every day, and it’s pretty apparent that he could be in the running for a Gold Glove in 2010. The guy seems to make a difficult catch every single game. Surprisingly good D from Ludwick…

I know people go and see shit like the A-Team or Shrek 4 or The Next Karate Kid- but damn, can a brother get an original movie every once in a while that doesn't sidle up to a dong and honk the night away?

I get it. People pay to see 15 Twilight's and 24 Batman movies and at the end of the day, movie studios are in business to make cash... but re-watching the Hangover on HBO this past week it's pretty clear that funny ass movies that are INTENTIONALLY funny are extraordinarily hard to come by.

My solution? More of that Jason Segel. That dude is funny.

READ HOW HOT CHICKS F UP EVERYTHING ON ISTL

Also, did you see that Eddie Murphy is preparing to go back out and try some stand up? The clip below is NSFW (x10, really) but at least Eddie is realizing that he pretty much pissed away the comedy genre for a generation by making shit kid movies and making a boat load of money in the process.

Give me Delirious ANY. DAY.

Can you believe it? Eddie Murphy was actually FUNNY. In fact, this was the very first stand-up act I ever saw and it made me want to be a stand up comic soooo bad.

I got a blog instead. Ugh.

Now some links...

• Great showdowns in movie history, illustrated. LINK HERE
• Interesting/creative packaging. LINK HERE
• This drummer is classic or deeply depressing. You decide. LINK HERE
• Just because we haven't seen it in a long time and it's still the best. LINK HERE
• A FAIL montage, if you're into that sort of thing. LINK HERE
• Authentic LA Gang tours. Yes, for real. LINK HERE
• Collinsville has to be so proud. Check out the mug shot. LINK HERE