There, I Said It: ‘Roid Rage Edition

Remember when Albert Pujols came back from his broken wrist like woah? I wrote that down in my Albert Is My Hero diary, put it under my pillow, and had a really good sleep last night. But the Internet is awash with those people who insist on whispering nasty rumors about how Albert’s bones could […]


Calling You Out: Hysterical Cardinals Fans

Last week I said I’d articulate my thoughts on the season so far, and I’m turning out a thesis up in here. But you don’t come here for that. Not on Friday. You come here for snark and links, so I’m going to set aside my Why I Love Mike “Matty” Moustakas PowerPoint presentation and […]


The Mad Librarian Cuts and Pastes!

I’m struggling to articulate my feelings about this season, but I’m working on a little something something for next week. In the meantime, here are two great bits of ridiculousness. First, David Price jacked one out of the park during batting practice in May and celebrated in fine style as he (unnecessarily, natch) rounded the […]


Top 5 STL Cardinals Opening Day Traditions

Spring Training is like Rebecca Black: fun while it lasted, but we’ve moved on. For Cardinal Nation™, Opening Day is like senior skip day in high school, except this time around the cops laugh and pat you on the back when you’re wasted in the street. We’ve all been planting the seeds of a family […]


Happy (Almost) Opening Day

It’s time to set aside our nagging baseball worries for a moment, friends. Right now there are no Albert contracts, no Waino elbows, no scrubs among the studs. Opening Day is for joy. Tomorrow is about Mike Shannon’s laugh crackling over the radio and Pat Parris’ fake tan glowing from your TV. It’s about donning […]

ricky vaughn

The Mad Librarian Returns with 2011 Projections

While the Cardinals have been working out the kinks in Jupiter, I’ve been doing some Spring Training of my own: reading Baseball Prospectus 2011, drafting my fantasy team, watching Major League, learning creative new swears. After these tough weeks of analyzing Charlie Sheen’s heater and Mike Moustakas’ ass, I’m ready to bust out the tea […]


You Are Really Dumb, For Real

What the fuck is this? I’m not all het up about the quality of St. Louis fans, but the Phillies must know that their fans consist of a bunch of riotous assholes and the puker.


Chemistry and Other Lame Excuses for the Cardinals’ Implosion

As the Cardinals have unraveled over the past weeks, I’ve discovered ever more Best Fans in Baseball™ who overlook the well-documented facts and blame the lack of a certain je ne sais quoi in the clubhouse. I haven’t heard this much chemistry jibba-jabba since my high school days, and it’s exhausting. Baseball fans who believe […]


Group Therapy

Oh, you guys. I’m so depressed. The Cardinals are playing like little bitches. TLR is benching Rasmus even though he’s superior to Jay, then attending politically divisive rallies with Pujols. The Cardinals are selling cut-rate fall tickets via Groupons. LaRue still hasn’t grown back his luxurious porn ‘stache. Even Curt Copeland isn’t blowing his wad […]


2 + 2 = Omigod, We Are So Screwed

If you know me at all — and it’s safe to say you don’t — then you know I’m not prone to dramatics over baseball. While other fans start their analysis and hand-wringing in April, I’m reading “Baseball Prospectus,” ordering slutty Cardinals shirts from the Alyssa Milano line, and advising haters to calm the hell […]


Fashion Update: Rays Blazer

Ed Note: This is the first of many articles from the Mad Librarian. Enjoy! I got all sorts of baseball-related anger bubbling up inside me. Anger at the Cardinals, who for the first time have me ready to elbow drop on the panic button before sure defeat is in sight. Anger at Cardinals fans, who […]