MVN: Most Valuable Network

4 people might read this post today. Maybe. But I don't want to discriminate against the albinos or USA haters or low-level peons that have to work today... so I figured I'd throw something up for the hell of it.

3 things:

1) This next road trip @ the Reds @ the Brewers and @ the Cubs for 10 games in 9 days could well possibly be the season. Tank it and it's going to be a long summer. Smoke it and it could put the Cardinals in real contention for the NL Central title. My prediction 5-5 with still no idea about this team or this division before the All-Star Game.

2) The All-Star game is in St. Louis... have you heard? I know many of you are going to go to various events over the course of the gala- and when you do, take some pics. I want you to send them to me for a massive collection we can all share here. I'm going to be out trying to find the odd ball stuff no one else is paying attention to.

3) 4th of July is tomorrow. I'll be at a wedding all day. Is this convenient for family traveling from out of town or straining to friendships that wish to get out of town for long weekends? Feel free to sound off in the comments section.

Now some links...

• There. I fixed it. The website. LINK HERE
• Yahoo picked up this story mid-week, so it may be stale. LINK HERE
• Watch this kid kick so much ass on the guitar. LINK HERE
• Cool bat tricks by a minor league player. LINK HERE
• The last true moonwalker left on earth. LINK HERE

Have a very awesome 4th of July weekend. Come back Monday for some more crap.

Read every single word on this web page. Then go to InsideSTL.com and read my weekly article. Thank you very little.

LINK HERE

The CD has to take pleasures in the simple things in life. Like a Playboy publicist contacting us about linking to their video.

I know. You're thinking: "Dude, if I want porn, I'll go to Red Tube, thanks bro". But as surprising as this is to me- I think it will be to you as well: Playboy has in-depth video features. Right, I was waiting for the fucking to begin (or at least some titties)... but it didn't happen. It's just a nice feature on the shady underworld of the Dominican baseball academies.

Oh, and what a coincidence... today is International signing day for Major League Baseball AND the most highly coveted player to come out of these 'camps' in years is a young man (supposedly) named Wagner Mateo. All indications are that the Cardinals (I know, I know) are going to sign this purported 16-year-old to a multi-million dollar deal. The video features the first 'real footage' of Mateo in action.

I'm embedding a teaser clip below and a link to the full story below that. Be warned, that since it's housed on a Playboy.com URL, you won't want to watch this at work. But when you get home, check it out. It's totally family friendly. You'll be hearing a lot about this kid in the next couple of days, so you can get informed- by Playboy of all places.

Now if they can just get me a free subscription... Full Link HERE

Ed Note: From time to time you get sick of hearing from the normal idiots around here. That's why we find other idiots to write some stuff too.

This entry comes from long time and loyal reader Mark G and should keep you satisfied for at least 3 minutes. Enjoy.

The more and more I watch the 2009 Cardinals play baseball, the more I realize that I am watching a humanized version of the Cardinal team from Tengen's RBI Baseball for everyone's favorite classic Nintendo Entertainment System. For those unfa miliar with RBI Baseball the game takes place with the top 8 teams from 1986-7. There are 4 NL (Hou, NYM, ST, SF) & 4 AL (Bos, Cal, Det, Min) + 2 All-Star Teams (AL/NL) of players not represented on the previous 8 teams. This is when the major leagues consisted of nothing but fat, white, faceless blobs. Diving and jumping had not been invented which made defense tough. Plus, back then balls hit down the line could go through the wall for a homerun.

Now for those of you with experience playing the game, I am not suggesting that the Cardinals v. 2009 is like playing against the CPU where it is easy to score multiple runs per inning, strike out the batters at will and watch the CPU move all of the players on the field at once inevitable leading to an inside-the-park home run. No, I am talking about playing as the Cardinals and playing someone who in fact does know their ass from a hole in the wall. (Many of my friends do not qualify here). Let's get down to the comparisons:

1) Team consists of fat white guys
I assume Nick Stavinoha grew up playing this game using it as a model on how to get to the big leagues. A major difference between the game and real life is in the game the RBI Cardinals do not play like a bunch of fat, white guys. You have to win by stealing bases, advancing runners and getting timely hits with runners in scoring position. The 2009 Cardinals are a bunch of slow white guys. They are slow on defense, do not run the bases well (see Thurston, Joe) & rarely execute the little things like stealing, sacrificing & and hitting with RISP to win games. This is more of an symbolic comparison than anything.

2) Rotation & pitching philosophy:
In RBI Baseball you have your choice of John Tudor or Danny Cox toeing the rubber for you. (My choice is always Cox) If you want your pitcher to make it out of the 4th inning still being able to throw over 60 MPH, then you have to pitch to contact. Sound familiar? In RBI you cannot expect to strike put every batter and have your pitcher last past the 5th inning. The bullpen can then get over exposed and realistically you only have 2 good starters on the team. Does anyone have faith in a 2009 pitcher outside of Carp and Wainwright? If it were up to me, I would talk Tudor out of retirement to pitch instead of Wellemeyer or Thompson. He's left-handed. That has to count for something. The amazing lack of depth of a 4 man staff in RBI is strikingly similar to the amazing lack of depth of a 13 pitcher staff the 2009 Cardinals employ:

3) You only have to worry about one hitter hurting you:
This is what brought me to the metaphor. If you play as the Cardinals in RBI as often as I do, you know that every at bat Jack Clark has is crucial. Most of the time you will play against some jackass who won't throw him a strike and you are left depending on Willie McGee and Terry Pendleton to hit a single to score Clark (who is one of the slowest runners in the game). Your opponent knows if he can avoid Jack hitting a dinger, than the rest of the lineup should be of no concern. Sure Tony Pena or even Jim Lindeman can occasionally sneak one into the bleachers, but lets be serious and realize the hopes and dreams of a 3-run homer lie solely on Jack's shoulders. If you want a good chance to connect, there have to be guys on base. Otherwise he will likely walk or strike out swinging at a pitch outside of the zone. Now replace Jack Clark's name with Pujols and you have your 2009 Cardinals.

Its hard to fathom how depressing this team would be to watch without Pujols considering how depressing it is to watch with him. A lot of times you will hear people ask where would this team be without Pujols. If you play RBI Baseball, sub Jack Clark for Jose Oquendo and see what your chances of winning are like. I assume that can give you some context of how the Cardinals would be without St. Louis's favorite cyborg/man-child/god. People always talk about the video game age, and how Pujols has ridiculous video game stats. It is sad to think that the current version of our beloved Cardinals is similarly constructed to that of a 1988 Nintendo game. If you get beat by Jack Clark in RBI or Albert Pujols in 2009, its your fault. Its my fault for picking a team whose only chance to win involves hitting a home run with the only player who could hurt you.

(Author's note: I have great affection for the '87 Cardinals and in no way does my analysis of their skills in RBI Baseball reflect their true talent playing baseball)

Matt Leach of MLB Blogs is reporting Mark DeRosa is hurt.

DeRosa removed himself from the line-up last night after the 5th inning when he felt his wrist 'tweak' after an at bat.

Stellar.

LINK HERE

Ladies and gentlemen... it's the hottest show in the Show-Me State, ready to take Middle America by storm... it's Albert and the shit bums!

Watch as 24 grown men suckle at the teet of another man, unwilling to produce their own milk. See the incredible awe that turns their mighty wooden bats into limp noodles when the bases are loaded. Gaze into the wonderment that is the waste of maybe the best season by a Cardinal. Ever. 

Playing nightly at St. Louis' biggest funeral home- Busch Stadium.

For christsake, didn't we agree that going to see a slugger belt home runs while the suck asses around him played ball with two hands around their necks wasn't all that satisfying? I could have swore that didn't end well for anybody. Yet here we are. 10 years later. Doing the same shit. Headed out to watch Pujols crush home runs while everybody else grabs a big handful of dong and starts honking for 9 innings. It's pathetic, really.

Maybe when Mark DeRosa finally arrives from Cleveland this offense will take off.

Yesterday on PTI, both Bob Ryan and Mike Wilbon agreed that Pujols has a better shot than a horse at the Triple Crown. No joke. They're comparing Albert to a horse because their isn't anyone human that can compare to this monster. But the Cardinals, even getting 2 HR's, a walk and 3 RBI's can't figure out a way to give him ANY support?

I'm embarrassed. I feel like the Cardinals are holding this guy back.

I can't ever say that I want him to go. But he's so good; I don't think it does him any good to be here- wasting away. Maybe he would be better off with the Yankees or Red Sox or somebody that could actually use 30 jacks and 76 RBI's before July.

Tim Lincecum, please get familiar with St. Louis the next few days. You earned it buddy. In fact, when you do find that cozy little restaurant, go ahead and make some reservations for next week while you're here.  

3 complete games in 4 starts tends to get the attention of All-Star managers.

It took Mr. Lincecum only 66 pitches to record the first 19 outs and only 95 overall to blank the feckless Cardinals in front of 37,000 plus fans last night. And if the Giant's aces hair wasn't enough to make you question your sobriety, then Clayton Mortenson's debut was. The rookie Redbird promptly came up and shit his diaper after 6 OK, if not spectacular innings from Brad Thompson.

More on him in a minute.

On a personal note, I was in attendance for the Lincecum lynching last night, and even though the inevitable "fuck it, we're not winning this one, let 'em figure out" game is as much a part of baseball as jock straps and fungoes, it's never fun to bear witness with your money being outlaid. It happens. 

Brad Thompson, however, misfired on one pitch and most likely afforded Todd Wellemeyer the opportunity to get one last, final shot at putting him back in the bullpen when Kyle Lohse is recalled from his rehab assignment next week. The loss marked Tony LaRussa's one thousandth with the Cardinals- and did so with aplomb.The Cardinals also lost a share of the division lead in the NL Central.

I suppose the only positive was the fact that Dick Ankiel was the only man great enough to hit off of Tim Lincecum besides Pujols. We need to get cracking on that long term offer sheet NOW!

Oh, but just wait until Ludwick comes off the DL- this offense should come alive!

Dick Ankiel wants to get you drunk, man. This little tid bit is too good to pass up. I'd like to remind you that before you start ripping STL's #1 lover that the proceeds from this event are going to a charity, not condoms.

By the time you read this, Rick Ankiel's - yes that Rick Ankiel - 2006 Napa Valley Red Wine should be fully stocked at The Wine and Cheese Place in Clayton and Provisions Gourmet Market in Creve Coeur.

Produced by the Hill Family Estate, this big red is 57 percent Merlot and 43 percent Cabernet Sauvignon made with fruit sourced from Hill's several Napa vineyards. This is a very limited-edition wine - only 56 cases made - and is sure to become a collector's item. Not only is the star center fielder a power hitter for the Cardinals, he's a powerhouse supporter of Stray Rescue. On July 18, Ankiel will visit The Wine & Cheese Place to autograph bottles of his wine, with the $15 charge benefiting Stray Rescue. Now that's how we like to show - and drink - our Cardinal red!

What: Rick Ankiel 2006 Napa Valley Red Wine
Where to get it: The Wine and Cheese Place, 7435 Forsyth Blvd., Clayton, 314.727.8788. Provisions Gourmet Market, 11615 Olive Blvd., Creve Coeur, 314.989.0020.
Price: $55 per bottle; $70 if autographed, with the $15 autograph fee donated to Stray Rescue

The celebrity death craze is so hot right now. After Hollywood luminaries like MJ,Ed McMahon and Farrah Fawcett kicked the bucket- TV pitchman Billy Mays went ahead and checked out. Frankly (and I'm being serious here) I think that the death of Mr. Mays was the most shocking and ultimately the biggest loss of the four. He was entering his prime and about to become the new face of Taco Bell. Sadly, we'll never know just how big he could have become. Let's pay tribute by seeing some of his best work here, here and of course, here... The Cardinals finally make a move. By trading Chris Perez to the Indians for Mark DeRosa, the Cardinals get a quality player that can play multiple positions and thrive as a swing man for TLR.  97 MPH hard throwing RH relievers are not easily found- but the bullpen has't been the problem for the Cardinals in 2009; it's the bats. Unimpressive in his debut Sunday, let's hope Mr. DeRosa hasn't been tainted by Ducan and Ludwick already... And that's why soccer sucks. I know that this 'community' is pretty tight knit, but fawning over a blown two goal lead in a FIFA event thaaaaaat close to the biggest win in the history of the USA soccer program by the announce team was really sad to watch. Leave the retrospective "look how much we accomplished" junk for the studio guys in the upcoming days and call it like we saw it- a huge choke job. And it would help if you'd raise your voice during a goal call as well. Is Joe Buck teaching a class now or something?... Settle down Honduras, we were only kidding about sending you Joe Thurston... If Albert Pujols can consistantly hit 2 HR's everytime it's some sort of Christian themed day at Busch Stadium, why don't we just erect a huge cross out there where Ballpark Village was supposed to be? Maybe we can all wear rosaries and have a seventh inning prayer stretch? He might hit 200 dongs with like 400 RBI's or somthing... The Twins at least were being honest about the situation...